I was in a meeting with a private jet sales team going over their short video introductions added to their email signatures. It wasn’t asked of me, but after their best-performing script had its two-month evaluation, I set a meeting with the Director of Business Development to offer to rewrite it from an instructional designer’s perspective. The results were impressive.
The former version of the script read as follows:
“Hello, NAME from COMPANY here. I thought I’d put a face to the name seeing as how I’m hoping to connect with you to find out more about your upcoming travel plans. I’d be honored if you could schedule an appointment with me by clicking the link down below. I’m looking forward to learning more about your flight profile and then sharing bespoke membership options based on your current flying needs.”
My version read as follows:
“Hello, NAME from COMPANY here. I thought I’d put a face to the name while I learn more about your flight plans to help provide exclusive bespoke private jet options. I’d be honored if you would schedule an appointment with me by clicking the link down below. I’m looking forward to chatting with you!”
After A-B testing, it was determined that this change improved lead generation by a little over a quarter (27%). The rationale for the changes, according to this instructional designer acting as a multi-millionaire customer who may want a private jet, are as follows:
- former “seeing as how I’m hoping to connect with you” – unnecessarily wordy, and “hoping” sounds desperate, lacking confidence.
- former “to find out more” – sounds like you’re trying to investigate me; the change to “learn more” is softer and slightly less wordy.
- former “upcoming” – this is implied by the new word “plans;” omitted “upcoming”
- change to “while I” – back to confidence, this assumes the sale. You’re going to learn more, it’s just a matter of when.
- ending should be casual and warm. We already addressed our intent in the first paragraph. We want to just “have a chat” which sounds far less serious and more disarming.
- former “membership options” – removed entirely, and added/moved “private jet options” to the first sentence.
- former script talked about “travel plans,” “flight profile,” and “flying needs” – but never mentioned private jets. The word “flight” was reduced down to one instance to reduce redundancy, and “private jet options” was added to greatly increase perceived value by distinguishing and validating the “exclusive” claim, to contrast itself with regular non-private flights.
- added word “exclusive” in the first sentence because that sounds more attractive – I want to know what’s so exclusive about what you have to offer. I don’t necessarily want to become a member of something. We’ll discuss membership options once we’re on the phone; mentioning it too early on sounds too formal and sales-like.
- changed “could schedule” to “would schedule” – of course I can schedule, so you want to ask if I will schedule.
Additionally worth noting, the word count was reduced from 71 to 52 for a reduction of 27% – coincidentally, the same percentage of the lead generation increase, resulting in a video script reading of only about ten seconds. Structurally, this revision is reorganized into three distinct parts: 1. it’s introducing the salesperson and getting to the point of what they want in the very first sentence, which is assumed to be of high value to a high-net worth demographic; 2. then, they move into their call to action (click the link); and 3. lastly, the script ends with a warm and inviting close that does not sound high-pressure.
Given the high level of thought put into this, a case can be made to suggest that a highly-skilled instructional designer would be a great asset to have in other departments other than education: sales, marketing, grant/proposal writing, and more. Wherever communication is important, consider having an instructional designer review it.
